The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
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i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
True strength comes from lack of pants
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