I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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