I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
