I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I party with great urgency now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
