You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
