just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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