Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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