I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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