Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
