T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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