My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
