this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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