you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
