would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
