Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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