I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
