We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
