so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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