i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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