do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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