if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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