if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
