I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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