I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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