How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
