That reminds me...we need to get swords
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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