drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
