I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
