i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
