I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
