There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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