i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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