I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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