After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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