my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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