I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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