My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
