Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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