my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
