Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
