Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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