Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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