Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
only you would photoshop your dick
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
