He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
