I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
ugly people sure do ruin things
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
