DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I AM VODKA MAN
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
BRING THE BAGELS
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
