i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
