Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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