and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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