I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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