I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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