dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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