Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
