before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
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He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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