Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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