Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The power of my boobs compel you
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
