What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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